Dear otoosan,

I'm sorry. I know I promised to see you...I failed.

One of the biggest disappointment I had during my Japan trip was not being able to pay my respects to my first host father. I know that I changed so many host families when I was there but otoosan was my first host father and I was certainly very fond of him. It's almost been half a year since he left and although more than 3 years since I last spoken to him, the pain of losing him hit me very hard. He was a wonderful father to me and spoiled me to death with sweets and presents. I understand that what you did was very biased and led to all the trouble but I'm sure at that time all you wanted was to make me feel at home by treating me like a real daughter.

I'm very angry at myself for not being more persistent trying to contact my host family (even after numerous phone calls to their home)...I admit, I was scared. I was scared to finally realize that you've gone, to see for myself that altar and to have other members of the family judge me. I know that I'm not your real daughter but for those months, you were all that I had...you were my family. At the same time, I was afraid that I would dissapoint my current host family by insisting on visiting you...I still remember the incident when all of us met and how humiliated both sides were. My selfishness can only get me that far...I'm sorry. I felt like I didn't do myself justice by stating it outright that I wanted to contact the family. Instead, I hid behind closed doors to call, knowing that no one would be around and not leaving a message but just hoping that maybe someone would pick up.I wandered the streets of Tokyo everyday thinking of calling and hoping to see you and be able to speak to you and give my respect. Yet fear and shame overcame me and here I am back in America with nothing but guilt and disappointment.

I hope you are doing well up there. I imagine you smoking and drinking your favorite green tea which you would meticulously whip up. Maybe you are enjoying our favorite Denny's breakfast set. Or the Baskin Robbins and anmitsu you would bring home to cheer me up. I have you to thank for my sweet tooth and weight gain. Maybe you have met my beloved ojiichan as well. If you have, maybe both of you can go fishing together.

I hope you continue looking after okaasan and the rest of the family from above. I'm sure okaasan is very sad to have lost you. It was my first time hearing her cry although I knew she was trying very hard to hold it in, just like a typical Japanese woman. What is it with you and your pride? Why didn't you let me know sooner?? I would have made the trip there to see you for the last time. All the time I thought that you have forgotten about me. I was lost in my selfishness without even being aware of how much you were suffering. Just because I changed families didn't mean that I loved you any less. You tried your best...it's just too bad that we didn't last as a family long enough. I'm sorry I didn't understand the severity of your situation, if I knew it would be the last time I would be able to hear your voice, I would have stayed on the line no matter how long you took. I wished you answered the phone when I called that day or at least return my call and not keep me up waiting the whole night..all I wanted to do was to hear your voice...maybe that was your way of punishing me for leaving in the first place. I never forgot your last words to me as you drove me to my new house that day..."Please come back".

I'm sorry that I'm angry at you...but I'm more angry at myself. I disappointed you once by leaving and this time I did it again by not coming back. Maybe next time I will have more courage...I will keep my promise and visit you someday. All I can say for now is...I'm sorry. I hope you will remember me otoosan. Maybe you will come into my dreams someday. Until then, I will keep the memories of the good times and bad times in my heart.