Welcome to my world!
Somewhere between my fantasy and what is real
Disclaimer: The following text in this posting is just my personal thought at this time. It is in no way to insult or hurt others and neither should it be used as an indicator to any potential emotional or psychological illness. Contradictory thoughts shall not be judged harshly.
I realized these days that I've become addicted to lying to myself and others. Not in a way that is harmful or anything...but more of convincing yourself and others about feelings or situations that may not be true.
I hate it when people try to be nice but don't mean it.I hate it even more that I've become succumb to doing that bullshit. For example,whenever someone asks you "How are you?", your body responds automatically by saying "Good.And how are you?" and the person is suppose to reply "Good." Period. So yeah....good. I mean its one thing to say things like that to a complete stranger or acquaintance or even your boss but friends? I once told my friend that we've become like people from the customer service hot lines when he responded the above. Give me some honesty my dear friend.
I had a conversation with my friend on MSN the other day and he was asking me why girls would want sex buddies when they are attached.Err...same reasons guys do,I guess...He went on asking me more and I ended up giving explicit details to why I think girls would feel that it satisfies their emotional and physical and whatever other desires they have (acting like I know so much on the issue when I don't). I continued thinking about our conversation in the shower and realized that its actually simple...some people are just selfish.As if the main course is not enough, we always want to leave room for the cake (make that a tiramisu dahlink).
Another conversation happened at the bar.I was out with my good friend and bumped into this person who use to bartend at a bar/lounge I patron often. He quit and a few months later I meet him at this bar chilling. Anyway, after settling down to a drink, this was the conversation literally:
N: I assume you're attached, right?
Me: *caught off guard* Huh? Why would you say that? (if that was a pickup line...it's a REALLY bad one because the alarms were ringing in my head to leave)
N: I don't know.You look like a serious person. So you are,right?
Me:*uncomfortable laugh*. Err no,I'm not interested at the moment.
N:Oh....i see. Why?
(The conversation took a good turn as I joked on being serious in everything else but relationships and then said I had to get back to my friend)
Wtf.I didn't even know to be insulted or take it as a compliment.I mean, what was that all about?Just because I look serious means I'm attached.The worse thing is him saying "I assume you are..." Maybe he was just trying to use reverse psychology on me.Whatever it is,it didn't work.Remember friend, assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.
I also met a person I've been avoiding for a couple weeks or more at the bar that night.That person and I manage to clear up whatever drama and get back on track as being friends.On my part,I still feel awkward when that person apologized so I just said the most appropriate thing in that situation, "Don't worry about it.People grow up and get over things". Liar.
My friend told me I should be more honest to myself and to others. He said otherwise, at the end of the day I will be like the boy who cried wolf. I told him my face is an open book. People can tell easily when I'm happy or not.But that won't help me in the real world.That's why I'm learning PR. I know I will never be successful in PR because I'm still unable to overcome my shyness (and inferiority complex) and appear confident but at least it will help me be more diplomatic and hide my true emotions. BS or not....I'll let you figure this one out.
Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Feel like another, love like another and live like another?
For those of you who were once fans of Savage Garden, I'm sure you would have came across the song Santa Monica. The chorus goes something like this:
On the telephone line I am anyone,
I am anything I want to be,
I can be a supermodel or Norman Mailer
And you wouldn't know the difference, Or would you?
Another one I found was when I was reading my professor's blog and finding out that he reads mine (N̶o̶w̶ I̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ t̶o̶ p̶r̶a̶i̶s̶e̶ h̶i̶m̶ e̶n̶d̶l̶e̶s̶s̶l̶y̶ a̶n̶d̶ k̶e̶e̶p̶ a̶l̶l̶ t̶h̶e̶ b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶y̶ c̶o̶m̶m̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ t̶o̶ m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ s̶o̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ I̶ g̶e̶t̶ A̶'̶s̶ i̶n̶ h̶i̶s̶ c̶l̶a̶s̶s̶ *lol*), there was something similar and it goes like this:
Online I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good.
Even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at a time
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online
— Brad Paisley, from his hit song, Online
The point I'm trying to make here is we all have our alter ego's. I figured out my alter ego....I would like to be....a BIMBO PRINCESS!
I know....you must be thinking that I already am!But I've seen certain changes in me that verifies it....
- My love for pink stuff. When I was young, people would ask your favorite color and girls would usually say pink while boys said blue. I was a blue kid. I hated pink because I thought it was so girly and frilly. Not to say I was a tomboy then (I use to spend 2 hours on my hair but I only spend 10 mins now) but somehow somewhere my brain must have short-circuited. But that has all changed! I'm a girly girl! Even though my mood may be blue (SOMETIMES!) but my stuff sure isn't anymore.Yes, I've accumulated certain stuff that are pinky pinky. Camera,MP3,stationery...and I'm wanting MORE!Bring on the Juicy baby!
I wanna be a juicy baby too! - Laziness. Mummy would kill me if she found out the thousands and thousands of dollars spent of education is going down the drain. The truth is...I hate working.I've even suggested to her that I go home and 'supervise' the house so she can get a new maid without worrying. Her answer was............. NO. Awww...
- Spending daddy's moolah. Mummy says I'm spoiled rotten. Or I wish I was. What else can I say? Shopping trips, Japan trips, food trips, beach trips blah blah blah.....I could never afford it on my own...but just a hug, a kiss and some sweet words (including some beers and karaoke sessions) is all I need to get it all. Wish I could continue saying this after I graduate. Maybe all I need to do is utter the 3 magic words "I've stopped smoking" and I can continue being daddy's lil princess....You think?
When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things...and then I don't feel so bad.
- Bimbo blogs.I've fallen in love with blogs talking about absolute nonsense (think Xia Xue's blog) such as hair extensions, bags and all the Singaporean materialistic kiasuness. It's also pink and glittery!
- Designer wear within budget. I always hear people say that they go for design rather than the brand. I've never been one who went for branded stuff but that too has changed. Desmond on the other hand (fashion guru wannabe) have taught me otherwise. His clothes are so outrageous that you wouldn't think of forking out a few extra change let alone a couple hundreds of dollars but he does, and with pleasure too. And it is ALWAYS branded. Maybe its just because I'm in America where you don't really have that many choices when it comes to nice clothes, you might as well go for the brand right? Paradoxically, designer is cheap if you know how to look.
Whether it is to be famous like a rock chick or a politician or an actor...another Maria Sharapova or just a siu lai lai (think Housewives of Orange County...it can also be like mine, a bimbo princess!) ,
let me know...what is YOUR alter ego?
Each passing day brings me closer to realizing that I'm graduating.While this may sound wonderful,it scares the hell out of me because I'm still unemployed and getting frustrated looking for a job.I don't know if its me who is not putting enough effort or that theres not enough opportunities for me.I know putting the blame on others wont make it any easier so it must be me huh.Which makes me feel even worse.I'm on the verge of saying fuck it and just go home after I graduate even though I have no intention of doing PR in Malaysia (much less after reading Jon's posting)
I just got back from NYC for a weekend long of shopping,drinking and eating.Found a few deals at the outlet mall (FCUK,Coach,BCBG,AX) and that was my endorphine rush for a while but after realizing how much I've spent and how much I will have to save so that I can go for all the trips planned for December adds to my frustration.plastic is dangerous people.
Another thing that made me kinda sad was realizing that someone deleted me from their Facebook after a weird confrontation.I mean just because they wanna keep their distance they decide its better to cut all ties with you.I understand how that person must be feeling because I did the same thing after going through an unpleasant experience.The funny thing is your girlfriend didn't delete me off her Facebook!And she was the one giving me that nasty look.It's sad to realize again that karma hurts.
Why is everyone frustrated these days anyway?I need to read more positive blogs!!!!It's like PMS gone wild on the internet.The worse thing is,I ran out of Dunhills and I don't feel like degrading to Marlboros.Guess it's a good time to try stopping or stop buying at least since my parents will be coming in a couple months for my graduation and the last thing daddy said to me at the airport was "Please try quitting".As of now,I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere.Can't seem to see any green grass on either side.Is this what they call the blues?
Just when you think you can look forward to tomorrow, yesterday comes and hits you in the face. Suddenly, you're pushed into a time capsule to revisit the memories that seems so surreal now. I just wanted to let bygones be bygones and move on with life. Why did my angel turned out to be human after all? Maybe it is guilt that makes us all human. The burden of guilt pushes us down to earth and prevents us from soaring into the skies. If saying sorry is your way of getting over your guilt, as childish as I may sound, I'm sorry too because I cannot forgive you. You trying to say sorry for your actions doesn't make it anymore justifiable. You trying to say let's be friends doesn't erase any pain you have caused. Excuses you now give to make up for your quiet actions then doesn't award you retribution.
Yesterday was an interesting day.
- My day started out with an unexpected conversation with someone from the past. I'm sure most of you can guess who it is by now. Whatever...
- I've been sick since Sunday and it didn't get much better come Monday morning so I went to work lethargic and cranky. I think my bitchiness level was 200%. Luckily no one gave me trouble at my workplace =)
- My friend sneaked into my house while I was asleep to cook congee for me because he knew I was sick. His first time cooking and I actually dared eat it. Luckily I'm still alive. Haha. Just joking! It was delicious (after all the seasoning I added of course). Thank you!
- Call 911! Ling, Warren and I nearly died because we decided we had big balls to go try Cluck U's 911 buffalo wings. These are wings where you have to sign a liability waiver before buying so you can't sue them if anything happens to you. The box came with a warning "Death in a box". Opening the box, I think our balls got even bigger because the overpowering smell of jalapeños didn't make us waver while the rest of our friends were cringing over the smell. The dare was to eat the wing without any dipping. Bad idea. I took the first bite and automatically spit it out. The taste was bitter and inhumanly spicy. Ling was even braver...she actually swallowed a piece of it. Tears immediately formed. Warren freaked out after watching "the Malaysian's" reaction and 'chicken out' (pun intended) and only tasted the sauce which was enough to get him looking worse than the baboon after drinking. Minutes after that experience I felt my whole body aching. To start with, I was already sick but trying the wing just made my body go into overdrive. Ling threw up while I was crying in pain and crazily searching for medication while refusing to go to the hospital/doctor or drink milk. The rest of the night was a painful experience we would never want to repeat and I think we learned our lesson well. Never underestimate how spicy American food can get.
Well, at least both of us survived through the night and even went to class today! High five! All these wings have made me so warm. I need to reduce all this heat in my body. Next craving...Ice-cream anyone?
I don't feel like posting much these days.Nothing exciting anyways.My drama life is over so it's calm for now.Just hiding in my crib and at work watching more Japanese drama with my sucky connection at home.I just finished season 1 and 2 of Hana Yori Dango which is the original version of Meteor Garden (remember f4?).Haha.Gay right?But what caught me most is the soundtrack for the drama which is Utada Hikaru's Flavor of Life.I have heard this song a long time ago when I didn't understand Japanese but this time it made more sense.Maybe it's also because songs always relate to a part of your life and experiences.I'm gonna start watching a new series again but for now go check out to the video.Here is the lyrics and translation to the song.Until next time guys,take care!Hugs
Sorry it took me so long to update my posts.Life here has been pretty much the same thing for me the past couple weeks.Sleep,school,work,internship,watching drama and lazing around.More than anything else I think the Japanese drama and sleep have been the top of my list.I've gone through watching more than 10 different dramas in the past couple weeks.Well at least my real life is not as dramatic...I hope.
There have been a little bit of drama the last time I went back to Grand Central.I've been laying low for a couple weeks due to my internship and need of beauty sleep so I felt like a caveman when I stepped into Central.The same crowd was there coupled with some people I totally didn't expect to see.Maybe it was fate.Just when I thought I was over you....
I didn't know whether to fight or flight.Maybe I should have left early that night.But obviously I stayed behind to watch the drama unfold in front of my eyes.Dealing with my own emotions was hard enough but double it with two other people's emotions....thats like 16 times the drama.Pulling and pushing emotions around like its a child's game.The one you want is out of reach so you grab the second best thing who has totally fallen for you and you force yourself to feel somewhat compassion and even lust for the person?Who are you kidding?I can still feel the aftertaste of it in my mouth now...bittersweet with the sourness of guilt.
The ironic thing is the one I want to stand up for is gone and the one who stood up for me I've driven away.And the funny thing is I couldn't even stand up for myself in the first place.Maybe if I was strong enough from the start there wouldn't be all these shit I have to deal with now.And to top it all off....I can't seem to feel anything in my heart...only the frustration in my head is a reminder that I have issues.They say that eyes are the windows to someones soul.Either my eyes lie or is it just that I have no soul?Someone told me I'm being overly analytical for my own good.I enjoy analyzing and planning but maybe in life it doesn't work that way.Analyzing my own emotions while I'm not even feeling it is kinda lame right?What do you think?
Sorry for those who thought I would come up with another funny lame post such as Ikemen Paradise.This is just another bitching session for me.Until next time....cheerios!
here is a cappuccino kiss for u
would you NOT watch them?Pretty petty angels!
would you NOT watch them?Pretty petty angels!
